3 Reminders For Talking With Your Partner About Finances
My husband and I never fail to argue about money. It’s the one thing we seem to always butt heads over.
A little backstory before I dive in, though. I came into our marriage with a boatload of debt. Some credit card, some student loans. Either way you diced it, I was in a tough spot.
After we got married, my husband and I combined finances. There were both positive and negatives to this, and every couple decides how to handle this differently, but needless to say, for us, it was a mix of both.
My husband knew what he was getting into when we got married. He knew I had debt. He knew I struggled with money. He knew I had an interesting relationship with my bank account. These things weren’t foreign to him.
And yet, we still struggled.
I made a few impulse, dumb purchases.
I had two major unexpected medical procedures.
I took out a loan without him knowing to help cover a medical bill, just to prevent him from knowing how stuck we were.
I later had to fess up to that loan.
It was awful, embarrassing, and just as horrible as you can imagine.
I wouldn’t recommend ever doing something like that behind your partner’s back… it just doesn’t end well.
We ended up having to go to my in-laws for a short-term loan. Again, horribly humiliating and compounding my already complicated relationship with money.
The Rise of Dave Ramsey
My husband and I just found out we are due to have a bit of money come our way after his grandmother passed away. His parents have now put a stipulation on receiving the inheritance money.
We have to take a finance course by one of my least favorite financial gurus: Dave Ramsey.
The conservative Evangelical church worships the guy. It’s a little revolting if you ask me.
He preaches that humans are completely in control of their ability to get rich.
Ramsey is no-nonsense, railing on things like Obamacare, the economy, and debt-based living, on his ever-popular radio show that goes on air once a week and on his website. People drive for miles to come appear on his show to do the “out of debt” scream live.
If you’ve never heard of him, I’ll give you the basics for his mentality around money.
“The foundation [of his program] is drafting and following a monthly budget down to the dollar, ensuring that every penny has a purpose. Once you’ve put a real number on your discretionary income and disciplined yourself to spend it according to plan, Ramsey promises, you will find yourself climbing out of debt — and then building wealth — faster than you ever thought possible” (Tim Alberta).
Back in the early 2000s, his program involved wallets that were comprised of envelopes, large withdrawals of cash every week based on a weekly budget, and the theory that when the money in the envelope is gone every week, no more money can be spent.
In today’s modern tech society, his envelope system has gone digital, but the concept is the same. Every single dollar has a purpose. And credit cards are a thing of the past.
And scores of people have reaped the benefits. Thousands have become debt free, so I can’t argue with what he promises. As a result, Ramsey has a cult-like following, particularly in the conservative Evangelical church.
However, in 2013, Ramsey got into some pretty hot water after publishing a story written by Tim Corley about “20 things rich people do every day.” The article has since been removed and replaced, but not before some prominent critics voiced their disapproval.
According to Ramsey and Corley,
“70% of wealthy eat less than 300 junk food calories per day. 97% of poor people eat more than 300 junk food calories per day.”
“76% of wealthy exercise aerobically four days a week. 23% of poor do this.”
“63% of wealthy listen to audio books during commute to work vs. 5% of poor people.”
It doesn’t take rocket science to realize that these are not connected. It doesn’t even take a large leap in logic to know that there are reasons why these statistics exist.
In Ramsey’s world, economic inequality doesn’t exist.
And that’s where his problem in thinking lies. Along with other conservative voters, Ramsey is a firm believer that one can simply pull themselves up by their bootstraps and work hard enough to get out of debt.
Unfortunately, that isn’t the case for some here in America. And Ramsey’s preaching only compounds the issue and the misconception at hand.
The Nerds, The Free Spirits, and the Budget
Despite all of this and how I feel about Ramsey, I agreed to take the course, knowing that the money would be a welcome relief to our bank account and our mental health.
Within the first week, I had already started learning a thing or two. I went into it cognizant that I was going to take in what was worth keeping and tossing the rest.
I wasn’t going to mindlessly consume like so many do when it comes to Ramsey’s teachings.
I was going to critically consider the steps, consider his concepts, and keep only what was beneficial and life-giving.
While I don’t often agree with him in most chapters, Dave Ramsey has a phenomenal way of looking at the two types of people there are when it comes to money.
It was this comparison between the two types of people that radically changed the way my husband and I approached discussing finances.
The Nerds and The Free Spirits
The nerd does essentially would you would imagine. They create the budget. They enjoy doing it. They know where their money is, and they know what they are going to do with it.
The free spirit, on the other hand, most often loathes the budget. The free spirit sees the budget as handcuffs, as a weight, as a wet blanket on a good time.
I am a free spirit… as if you already couldn’t tell.
I am not a numbers person.
That role belongs to my husband, the nerd in the relationship.
He has spreadsheets, graphs, and charts for all of our accounts. He maps out where we’ve been, where we are, and where we are going with our money.
And honestly, it’s saved us, on more than one occasion.
In almost every relationship, you need a little of both to keep things afloat.
But beyond just simply recognizing the role we each play, we have found it critically important to recognize a few things when we go into conversations about money.
These points to remember have helped us both keep our wits about us and navigate the sometimes awkward, sometimes frustrating, sometimes overwhelming task of discussing finances, spending, and money.
1. Remember you each have a money “cultural” background.
I grew up in a lower-working class family in the middle of the Dakotas.
I don’t think I ever realized how poor my family actually was as a kid.
I think I just knew we weren’t getting a vacation to Disneyworld every Christmas or name brand clothes.
It wasn’t until I was a teen that I began to realize just how little money my parents actually had.
My dad was a teacher at a private school earning very little money for what he was actually doing. He took a second job teaching online until the wee hours of the morning when I was in high school to help supplement the income in our family.
My mom actually made more money than my dad and she worked long hours as a nurse at a local hospital. And yet, we still struggled. We were comfortable, but never really had quite enough to have most of the things my brothers and I really wanted.
My parents actually went through the Dave Ramsey course when I was in high school and became obsessed, following his little envelope plan, and documenting every single dollar that went in and out of our house.
I quickly became frustrated and annoyed, because it soon became reality that if we “didn’t have the money in the envelope that week, we [couldn’t] do it.”
A budget quickly became a ball and chain in my eyes. And I wanted nothing to do with it.
My husband, on the other hand, also grew up in a very low-middle class family. His dad was a juvenile parole officer and his mom worked various jobs throughout his life.
He always knew they were poor. He always knew they didn’t have enough.
His brother had major medical bills. He himself didn’t even have a bedroom. He slept on a small bed in the hallway upstairs in their small rambler in St. Paul, Minnesota. So much of my husband’s life was out of his control and decisions were made that ended up impacting him negatively in the end. As he grew, his relationship with money also changed and was greatly impacted by his upbringing.
For my husband, a budget is control. A budget is a way to ensure stability and safety.
If you couldn’t tell, we walked into our marriage with two very different cultures when it comes to finances. It’s been challenging and communication has been key. However, at the end of the day, it’s been worth it.
Nerds and free spirits, remember where you’ve come from and how it dictates where you’re going.
2. Nerds, remember to listen with an open mind.
One of the things that’s been helpful for my husband is to remember to keep an open mind, particularly around things that are a little off the cuff. He really likes to budget, plan ahead, and know what’s coming.
Doing things on a whim can be incredibly hard for the “nerd” in the financial relationship.
However, it’s so important for the person in that role to remember that sometimes life is best lived a little impulsively at times.
Some of the best things I’ve done in life were things done on a whim.
For me, that’s the most life-giving thing I could do for myself.
For my husband, the budget keeper, doing things on a whim is anxiety inducing.
When it comes to talking with your partner about possible purchases that aren’t as planned out, flexibility is key. Recognize the wants versus the needs. Identify how this financial choice may play out over the course of the next few months.
However, also remember, that the decision you make might just be something that makes your relationship even better.
That trip to Vegas on a whim. Those concert tickets to see the Rolling Stones. All worth it at the end of the day if your relationship is better off for it.
Knowing how to balance the budget while keeping an open mind is key. Sometimes life is best lived flying by the seat of our pants.
Nerds, be flexible. Be impulsive (responsibly).
3. Free spirits, remember that a budget can be your friend.
The other thing that is crucially important for the free spirit in the relationship to remember is that the budget is not this ball and chain that it feels like.
A budget can actually mean freedom.
It sounds strange, but a budget can be the way to plan for that dream vacation. It can be the way to save for that house remodel. It can be the way to plan for those future little ones you’re so desperately hoping to have.
However, if you don’t use a budget now, those things might not come to fruition.
Or if they do, without a budget in place, there might just be more anxiety and stress involved when those things do come up.
When it comes to talking with my partner about the budget, I find that it’s incredibly important to be honest. Consider those wants versus those needs
Be honest about your needs, but be realistic with those wants.
You need food on the table tomorrow, but you probably don’t completely need a new pair of shoes. The twenty other pairs in your closet are probably more than enough.
You need to put gas in the tank of your car, but you don’t need to buy the newest iPhone variation. That iPhone you have is just fine the way it is.
Sometimes a budget can be the very best thing. It isn’t a ball and chain. Rather it’s the anchor to help keep you settled in life’s storms.
Free spirits, be realistic. Be honest.
My relationship with money is still complicated. I’m still at heart a free spirit when it comes to money. My husband is still the nerd who finds strength and composure in our budget. For both of us, having a conversation about finances is hard, but it’s so critical.
That conversation is the thing that keeps our marriage stable.
If you and your partner struggle with talking about finances, if one of you hides purchases from the other, if you take out credit cards in secret hoping to hide an impulsive shopping habit, know you aren’t alone.
But also know the only way forward is to come clean.
Sit down. Have an honest conversation.
Recognize your own perspectives on money.
Move forward in seeing your roles in your relationship with money.
No matter where you are in life.
No matter what amount of money you do or don’t make.
Have a conversation with your partner.
It’s worth it, and it can be done without completely losing your ever-loving mind.
